Thursday, October 17, 2019

4 days later

Well I made it to thursday night. I'm sick with sadness and all I've been able to do is study but the math gets to me too. Looking forward to the weekend.

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

I can't sleep

It was a sruggle to get out of bed today. I've had his poems replaying over and over in my head all day. Visions of his smile kept me unfocus. I talked to a close friend and my son about my feelings with hope that verbally speaking about the good memories would keep the tears away. I get so emotional when people die and I say crazy things just out of grief. I've been taking sleeping pills to sleep but tonight I guess they're not going to work. I stood in the shower for an hour trying to make sense out of all this pain I feel. I'm mad and sad. I'm trying really hard to not question God on this one but I can't help but wonder why. I guess it doesn't make sense to me because he was young. The more sadness I feel, the more pressure I feel in my chest. I passed by the spot where we used to sit and talk and I became overwhelmed with disbelief that I can't send him a message or call him just to see what he's got going on. I guess I need to just go on to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Sunday, October 13, 2019

Just Thinking...

Although our love began in a questionable time and space in both our lives, neither one of us has ever been able to say we loved life until we found each other. Everytime I look at my husband I smile and thank God for allowing us to be.

We're broken but fixable. Everyone that came and went had their chance and decided we weren't good enough to fight for or love. All we had left before we met was residue from our past. A small amount of hope that finding the right person was still a possibility. He makes me so mad and I'm sure I provoke him but we are us, we are one. I love him and I've never had to wonder if he loves me. His actions tell me everything I need to know.

I married my best friend and finally I'm content. My children, our children are content knowing the man that loves their mom also loves them. Our last two babies are the perfect example of us blended together, goofy like us and beautifully crafted by the most high.

We had to let go of our painful pasts in order to be able to accept the present and now our future is together. Almost 7 years later and still in love like time ain't went by or like arguments never happened and feelings never got hurt? People smile at us because we still walk holding hands. Yes, in 2019 we still hold hands. I went from wondering why he likes me to embracing every moment with him like it could be the last.

We pray that our last breath is taken together. The evidence of God is in my marriage. Just because something starts off wrong doesn't mean it's never gonna grow into what the creator wants it to be. The Bankstons are living proof of that.

Friday, October 11, 2019

Personal Time Is Needed

Have you ever just stood in the shower for 30 more minutes appreciating the warmth of the water? I do this all the time. I put on my favorite Chillhop, light my candles and I go there y'all. I get lost. I love that my bathroom is big enough for my husband to be in there with me and not invade my personal time or space too. It's my third bedroom in the house lol. Actually I should say my fouth because my closet is a woman's dream come true. Sometimes I just hide out in my closet and look out the window, yes theres a window in my closet. I can go in there, sip my tea and write. We never had so much space before so I appreciate every moment of alone time I get. I can also sit in my shower and let the steam do it's thing. I must be in there for at least an hour and a half just chilling on the word and music. I say all this to say ladies we have to take time for ourselves, even if we have to sneak away in a room, the car or a closet. Preserve your sanity mothers, wives and girlfriends!

Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Which Ever Way...

Which ever way the wind blows
I know you love me
Which ever way the sun shines
I know you love me
Which ever way the night comes
I know you love me
Which ever way the moon glows
I know you love me
Which ever way the stars shine
I know for sure you'll always be mine
Which ever way morning presents itself
You'll never have to worry about our love collecting dust on a shelf
I know with my whole heart that you love me

Word Play with Jamilah Renae

I've worked really hard trying to continue my journey as a writer and poet. I've had a lot of haters and a lot love along the way but I must keep going no matter what because I believe in the freedom to express yourself. I'm always looking for poets to feature and now I'm looking for comedians as well. What's a show without heart felt words and laughter?

Listen to "Word Play with Jamilah Renae" on Spreaker.


My feelings since October 14th, the day I found out... I still have trouble sleeping. I wonder were you in pain and was it quick. I hear you...