Monday, December 30, 2019

DECEMBER 30TH 2019

My feelings since October 14th, the day I found out...

I still have trouble sleeping. I wonder were you in pain and was it quick. I hear your voice all the time man. Your poetry replays in my head and I tear up. I remember the night we met, you were mysterious and poetic. In my heart and mind we were close friends, I respected your art and I'm so sorry that I never told you that. Everything you ever said to me was worth listening to. I'm thankful for those memories. I enjoyed having you in my life friend and I will never forget you. You was one of the best "kidd" lol and I'm still sober so you must know that losing you hurts like hell but I'm gonna be ok. Mike is here holding me down and I'm glad you got to see me genuinely smile before you passed on. I'm gonna light a candle for you on your birthday, pray that you're resting in peace-love-light, and blow it out. You were one of the best poems ever written and you'll be greatly missed bro. Happy birthday Rage Almighty. 
🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 

40 Years of Lies & Truth

My father died 40 years ago when I had just turned 1. I grew up with 2 brothers in my house and 1 brother I sometimes heard about I never knew. 

I always heard my dad was a monster and his family was bad to be around but I still wanted to know them. My mom kept me from knowing them my whole life until recently when I finally met my brother. I can't even explain here how frustrating my search has been. I'm 41 now and I'm pissed off but thankful that now I can see him and hear his voice. We have so much in common and it's comforting. 

I now need couseling just from finding out so much that my mother didn't tell me but it's cool. YAH has brought me this far and I'll go further just having faith that old wounds will be healed. I'll never trust the people that lied to me and kept the truth from me. 

My aunt and my brother have been looking for me all this time...40 years. My aunt Sherrie told me to take on the new year and live it. Forgive the past and embrace my new family more than ever because outside of my faith my husband, kids, and my dad's family is all I have now.

I don't hate anyone at all, not mad anymore. For the first time ever I don't want to hurt myself anymore because I was always wanted. To my aunt and my brother I was not a mistake and that's all that matters to me now.

Wednesday, December 18, 2019

Family Night

My first session is almost over and tonight is family night. We're watching Diary of a Wimpy Kid, little Mike and I love these books. 

School has been a challenge with all the deaths around us so family is very important as it has always been. I can't believe 2020 is almost here. I'm praying for everything to be righteous in my life from this point on. Whomever is against me and my family will be handled so I'm not worried. I feel blessed and my prayer is that somehow we all find a way to forgive and keep moving forward.

Sunday, November 10, 2019

New Beginnings November 2019

October was horrible and beautiful for me. I lost a friend, my husband lost a cousin but the beautiful part was we had each other through it all and our faith was made stronger from the legal situation we were in. Yah is the reason we can hold our heads up high and make the moves we make. If you're not living to glorify the creator of this world then you're wasting time and energy. 

Sometimes I forget my friend is gone and I want to call him. I tear up in those moments when I realize I'll never hear him fuss about me procrastinating with my poetry. I'm glad he got to see me happy and in love when he met my husband. And we wonder if my friend and my husband's cousin were in a good place with Allah because to not be is bad. I pray that they are at peace. Cherish the moments you spend with family and friends. Life is really too short.

Thursday, October 17, 2019

4 days later

Well I made it to thursday night. I'm sick with sadness and all I've been able to do is study but the math gets to me too. Looking forward to the weekend.

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

I can't sleep

It was a sruggle to get out of bed today. I've had his poems replaying over and over in my head all day. Visions of his smile kept me unfocus. I talked to a close friend and my son about my feelings with hope that verbally speaking about the good memories would keep the tears away. I get so emotional when people die and I say crazy things just out of grief. I've been taking sleeping pills to sleep but tonight I guess they're not going to work. I stood in the shower for an hour trying to make sense out of all this pain I feel. I'm mad and sad. I'm trying really hard to not question God on this one but I can't help but wonder why. I guess it doesn't make sense to me because he was young. The more sadness I feel, the more pressure I feel in my chest. I passed by the spot where we used to sit and talk and I became overwhelmed with disbelief that I can't send him a message or call him just to see what he's got going on. I guess I need to just go on to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Sunday, October 13, 2019

Just Thinking...

Although our love began in a questionable time and space in both our lives, neither one of us has ever been able to say we loved life until we found each other. Everytime I look at my husband I smile and thank God for allowing us to be.

We're broken but fixable. Everyone that came and went had their chance and decided we weren't good enough to fight for or love. All we had left before we met was residue from our past. A small amount of hope that finding the right person was still a possibility. He makes me so mad and I'm sure I provoke him but we are us, we are one. I love him and I've never had to wonder if he loves me. His actions tell me everything I need to know.

I married my best friend and finally I'm content. My children, our children are content knowing the man that loves their mom also loves them. Our last two babies are the perfect example of us blended together, goofy like us and beautifully crafted by the most high.

We had to let go of our painful pasts in order to be able to accept the present and now our future is together. Almost 7 years later and still in love like time ain't went by or like arguments never happened and feelings never got hurt? People smile at us because we still walk holding hands. Yes, in 2019 we still hold hands. I went from wondering why he likes me to embracing every moment with him like it could be the last.

We pray that our last breath is taken together. The evidence of God is in my marriage. Just because something starts off wrong doesn't mean it's never gonna grow into what the creator wants it to be. The Bankstons are living proof of that.

Friday, October 11, 2019

Personal Time Is Needed

Have you ever just stood in the shower for 30 more minutes appreciating the warmth of the water? I do this all the time. I put on my favorite Chillhop, light my candles and I go there y'all. I get lost. I love that my bathroom is big enough for my husband to be in there with me and not invade my personal time or space too. It's my third bedroom in the house lol. Actually I should say my fouth because my closet is a woman's dream come true. Sometimes I just hide out in my closet and look out the window, yes theres a window in my closet. I can go in there, sip my tea and write. We never had so much space before so I appreciate every moment of alone time I get. I can also sit in my shower and let the steam do it's thing. I must be in there for at least an hour and a half just chilling on the word and music. I say all this to say ladies we have to take time for ourselves, even if we have to sneak away in a room, the car or a closet. Preserve your sanity mothers, wives and girlfriends!

Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Which Ever Way...

Which ever way the wind blows
I know you love me
Which ever way the sun shines
I know you love me
Which ever way the night comes
I know you love me
Which ever way the moon glows
I know you love me
Which ever way the stars shine
I know for sure you'll always be mine
Which ever way morning presents itself
You'll never have to worry about our love collecting dust on a shelf
I know with my whole heart that you love me

Word Play with Jamilah Renae

I've worked really hard trying to continue my journey as a writer and poet. I've had a lot of haters and a lot love along the way but I must keep going no matter what because I believe in the freedom to express yourself. I'm always looking for poets to feature and now I'm looking for comedians as well. What's a show without heart felt words and laughter?

Listen to "Word Play with Jamilah Renae" on Spreaker.

Saturday, September 28, 2019

June 23, 2019

Im going to write again and when I do it wont be what you think or feel it should be
It will be the truth
My truth
My pain
My hate
My story
It wont be sugarcoated with fake happiness
It'll definitely be infused with tears of regret and I bet you cant wait to take credit
For your part in my pain but I won't allow it because I'm the narrator of this story
And as the writer and creator of all things Yah will get the glory
The praise goes to the most high
Not you so goodbye

Tuesday, September 24, 2019

God's Promise

Rainbows bring tears to my eyes
Joyful, humbling tears
And I remember that in the beginning there was the word and the word was alive and breathing

Truth, life and instructions

Instructing us to love and obey, worship in truth and in spirit
And I become overwhelmed about the creator and everything I've made it through
Everything that brought me here to you
Nothing is more beautiful to me than those multiple colors in the sky
As children we wonder why until we come of age and understand that in his image we were made
And in his word we must trust
Most importantly, without faith it is impossible to please him

I get all of these thoughts and feelings from witnessing Yah's promise and acknowledging the gift that is my life and the lives of others around me
I thank the most high for giving me the sight to see him and the heart to love him and trust that as long as I seek him, he is very present in my life
My family is incomplete without him
So yes rainbows bring tears to my eyes because it's more evidence that he is real

Monday, September 23, 2019

Last thoughts on 09.23.2019

On this very day 6 years ago, same day of the week and everything I realized how much I really loved a friend who eventually became my best friend, my husband and the father of my babies. People try to do evil things but Yah is always there to make it right and so even on this day I saw with my own eyes today how the creator show up. No weapons or persons formed against us and our family shall prosper. I rebuke and denounce all fruits of evil in the mighty name of YESHUA. Woohoo! What a day!

Yeah, it was every bit of Monday

Today wasn't a good day but it wasnt bad either. I cried, laughed and cried again. I was offended and then I was humbled in my spirit. I celebrated and had a pity party. In general I felt loved and love was the best feeling I had all day. I love my entire family. My husband, kids and extended as well. The Lord showed up and showed out today. He is The Great I Am!

Thursday, September 19, 2019

I just wanna write

I just wanna write
Bare my soul on paper
Write out the lies and the tears from my eyes
Give me my pen so I can win this mental/verbal war

Fake
Friends
FUCK up my vibe
Fake
Family
Forgets I'm apart of the tribe

Let me write please oh please until sunrise
As the love I thought we had dies
I lean on my husband
Love him relentlessly
I threw away my pen because he showed out and fell in love with broken me
Broken me found broken he
We found us one sunny day
And love is
And love does
And I need to pick up my pen again
Be me again plus him and kids
AND WRITE

9.19.2019

If I ever tell you I love you
Believe me, I have no reason to lie

Another Thursday night pissed off

Over the last 6 years I have stopped writing to speak more. No one wants to hear the truth. They're so in love with beautiful lies and it sickens me. Now I'm trying to find a way to speak my mind and write away the pain. I have to live my truth or be destroyed by foolish people and their beliefs. I have to teach my children to speak up when its necessary and never let anyone shut them up. The power is in the words and the I'll never back down from it ever again.

Sunday, September 15, 2019

When did we stop loving one another?

I turned on the news last night because I couldn't sleep and learned that people have lost their minds all the way. To be honest I don't want everyday people walking around with AR-15s or any other weapons that were meant for military action. I mean are you crazy thinking that's ok? Sure we should be able to carry guns that will protect ourselves and our families but not that military stuff. What is your point? I love the way guns blow but dang it's just too much.

Another issue in the world is mental health. Why is it so hard to get people to understand this problem is a real one? Everyone knows someone that's dealing with some form of mental health problems but no one seems to care to fix it. I'm not for popping pills or injecting people with some truly unknown toxins but I am all for a spiritual healing. It's like where is God? We were made in his image and created to worship in truth and in spirit but everyone wants to exclude the creator and come up with their own hypothesis about treatments and cures. I'm calling BS on all of it.

My auntie once told me in a brief conversation that we were put here for each other and it makes sense to gather from that plus what the scriptures say about loving the Father and loving one another that this is the fulfillment of the law, God's law. I'm not religious at all but the truth is the truth and walking around on a wave of deception is not how I want to rock with life. People are out here robbing, stealing and killing because of their circumstances. I'm not saying it's right but the curse is real.

When did we as people stop caring about the next person? I don't care if your white or black, I respect all people and love life. This world is becoming colder each day we look at our brothers and sisters suffering and chose to do nothing to help change the climate of hate and confusion. How are military weapons getting in the hands of civilians anyway? Just like there are people out in the world mixing up and selling pills that look like the real deal but it's not and it's killing people because they want that fix instead of praying and having faith that the God who created all things can heal them.

Don't look for Yahweh outside in the world because he ain't there. He is in everything and everyone. The next person that walks up to me or that I interact with is gonna get these hands laid on them, not fighting hands but these praying hands lol. peace&love

Saturday, September 14, 2019

The words are coming back to me

A Poem 09.14.2019

There aren't enough words to express my love so I'll always have poetry to spit with quick wit
I've got verses that flow and you already know I'm down with you like forever
Seeing you with her is not a wave I want to ride so I back up and listen to your heart's desires and still I admire

You

Still respect the life you chose to live as long as time with me you freely give
Via calls or text
As long as I'll always be next
On your mind, embedded deep in your heart
Always mine, always I'll love you
Love like when summer is over and fall has just begun
Love long like a harsh winter that seems to never be done
You were the one then
You're still him now
You give me life each time you make me laugh or smile
This shit is crazy because the more I think of us I contemplate going the extra mile

Friday, September 13, 2019

And still they look...

So I'm at the Macaroni Grill picking up an UberEats order for two customers and fromnthe moment I walked in I'm being stared down by this guy who is cooking. This would be really cool if I weren't married and happy with my boo. I've been here waiting for the food close to 30 minites and everytime I look up I catch him looking at me. It's kind of funny because when my husband was just my mechanic I caught him doing the same thing and 6 years later boom here we are lol.

I'm thankful my husband isn't here right now because this guy would catch them hands for looking at me for too long but at the same time I'm flattered because I'm 41 and a married mother of 10 and I must still look great after all that action in my life lmbo. I know he's younger than me too so it's very funny. #FreakyFridayFlirting

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

9.11.2019 First Poem Since...

Still longing for love in a dark place
Still accepting obvious lies while smiling back in his face
Still crying myself to sleep because my pain is deep
Still looking for answers out there when the truth lays dormant within my being
I have become the hypocrite that I've despised for years
I have become to monster that glares at the loved one in tears
He never beat me physically but mentally because of him I'm dead
I've never been this honest before
I've always been good at avoiding and denying instead
As the Lord looks down at me
I avoid looking up because I fear that I might see him
And I'm not ready for the judgement
The shame, the guilt
I was made in His image but dwell in spiritual filth
I repent...
I confess that I'm a mess
I rebuke...
I proclaim that He died for my sins
And I believe more than anything that after 3 days he rose again

So why can't I deny my fleshy earthy ways knowing all hell is about to cut loose because
These
        Are
            The
                 Last
                       Days

This is the first poem I've written in a long time, like some years. I have been frustrated with life and family for a while now. Frustrated with myself because I could have done better but decided to settle for less just to feel comfortable and ended up being very uncomfortable with everything and everyone. I hope my life will inspire others to change and keep striving to be better. I'm not perfect but He is. Peace&Love

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

So it's Tuesday...

I've been off the grid for like 6 years, well not completely off because I'm still on Twitter and Instagram but anyways you know what I'm saying. I met someone 6 years ago and what I had planned for myself suddenly changed.

This is my story about my life after (insert name here) and the choices I made that brought me to life as I know it in 2019.

Stick around, this might actually be entertaining. 😏

DECEMBER 30TH 2019

My feelings since October 14th, the day I found out... I still have trouble sleeping. I wonder were you in pain and was it quick. I hear you...