Monday, December 30, 2019


My feelings since October 14th, the day I found out...

I still have trouble sleeping. I wonder were you in pain and was it quick. I hear your voice all the time man. Your poetry replays in my head and I tear up. I remember the night we met, you were mysterious and poetic. In my heart and mind we were close friends, I respected your art and I'm so sorry that I never told you that. Everything you ever said to me was worth listening to. I'm thankful for those memories. I enjoyed having you in my life friend and I will never forget you. You was one of the best "kidd" lol and I'm still sober so you must know that losing you hurts like hell but I'm gonna be ok. Mike is here holding me down and I'm glad you got to see me genuinely smile before you passed on. I'm gonna light a candle for you on your birthday, pray that you're resting in peace-love-light, and blow it out. You were one of the best poems ever written and you'll be greatly missed bro. Happy birthday Rage Almighty. 
🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 

40 Years of Lies & Truth

My father died 40 years ago when I had just turned 1. I grew up with 2 brothers in my house and 1 brother I sometimes heard about I never knew. 

I always heard my dad was a monster and his family was bad to be around but I still wanted to know them. My mom kept me from knowing them my whole life until recently when I finally met my brother. I can't even explain here how frustrating my search has been. I'm 41 now and I'm pissed off but thankful that now I can see him and hear his voice. We have so much in common and it's comforting. 

I now need couseling just from finding out so much that my mother didn't tell me but it's cool. YAH has brought me this far and I'll go further just having faith that old wounds will be healed. I'll never trust the people that lied to me and kept the truth from me. 

My aunt and my brother have been looking for me all this time...40 years. My aunt Sherrie told me to take on the new year and live it. Forgive the past and embrace my new family more than ever because outside of my faith my husband, kids, and my dad's family is all I have now.

I don't hate anyone at all, not mad anymore. For the first time ever I don't want to hurt myself anymore because I was always wanted. To my aunt and my brother I was not a mistake and that's all that matters to me now.

Wednesday, December 18, 2019

Family Night

My first session is almost over and tonight is family night. We're watching Diary of a Wimpy Kid, little Mike and I love these books. 

School has been a challenge with all the deaths around us so family is very important as it has always been. I can't believe 2020 is almost here. I'm praying for everything to be righteous in my life from this point on. Whomever is against me and my family will be handled so I'm not worried. I feel blessed and my prayer is that somehow we all find a way to forgive and keep moving forward.

Sunday, November 10, 2019

New Beginnings November 2019

October was horrible and beautiful for me. I lost a friend, my husband lost a cousin but the beautiful part was we had each other through it all and our faith was made stronger from the legal situation we were in. Yah is the reason we can hold our heads up high and make the moves we make. If you're not living to glorify the creator of this world then you're wasting time and energy. 

Sometimes I forget my friend is gone and I want to call him. I tear up in those moments when I realize I'll never hear him fuss about me procrastinating with my poetry. I'm glad he got to see me happy and in love when he met my husband. And we wonder if my friend and my husband's cousin were in a good place with Allah because to not be is bad. I pray that they are at peace. Cherish the moments you spend with family and friends. Life is really too short.

Thursday, October 17, 2019

4 days later

Well I made it to thursday night. I'm sick with sadness and all I've been able to do is study but the math gets to me too. Looking forward to the weekend.

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

I can't sleep

It was a sruggle to get out of bed today. I've had his poems replaying over and over in my head all day. Visions of his smile kept me unfocus. I talked to a close friend and my son about my feelings with hope that verbally speaking about the good memories would keep the tears away. I get so emotional when people die and I say crazy things just out of grief. I've been taking sleeping pills to sleep but tonight I guess they're not going to work. I stood in the shower for an hour trying to make sense out of all this pain I feel. I'm mad and sad. I'm trying really hard to not question God on this one but I can't help but wonder why. I guess it doesn't make sense to me because he was young. The more sadness I feel, the more pressure I feel in my chest. I passed by the spot where we used to sit and talk and I became overwhelmed with disbelief that I can't send him a message or call him just to see what he's got going on. I guess I need to just go on to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Sunday, October 13, 2019

Just Thinking...

Although our love began in a questionable time and space in both our lives, neither one of us has ever been able to say we loved life until we found each other. Everytime I look at my husband I smile and thank God for allowing us to be.

We're broken but fixable. Everyone that came and went had their chance and decided we weren't good enough to fight for or love. All we had left before we met was residue from our past. A small amount of hope that finding the right person was still a possibility. He makes me so mad and I'm sure I provoke him but we are us, we are one. I love him and I've never had to wonder if he loves me. His actions tell me everything I need to know.

I married my best friend and finally I'm content. My children, our children are content knowing the man that loves their mom also loves them. Our last two babies are the perfect example of us blended together, goofy like us and beautifully crafted by the most high.

We had to let go of our painful pasts in order to be able to accept the present and now our future is together. Almost 7 years later and still in love like time ain't went by or like arguments never happened and feelings never got hurt? People smile at us because we still walk holding hands. Yes, in 2019 we still hold hands. I went from wondering why he likes me to embracing every moment with him like it could be the last.

We pray that our last breath is taken together. The evidence of God is in my marriage. Just because something starts off wrong doesn't mean it's never gonna grow into what the creator wants it to be. The Bankstons are living proof of that.

Friday, October 11, 2019

Personal Time Is Needed

Have you ever just stood in the shower for 30 more minutes appreciating the warmth of the water? I do this all the time. I put on my favorite Chillhop, light my candles and I go there y'all. I get lost. I love that my bathroom is big enough for my husband to be in there with me and not invade my personal time or space too. It's my third bedroom in the house lol. Actually I should say my fouth because my closet is a woman's dream come true. Sometimes I just hide out in my closet and look out the window, yes theres a window in my closet. I can go in there, sip my tea and write. We never had so much space before so I appreciate every moment of alone time I get. I can also sit in my shower and let the steam do it's thing. I must be in there for at least an hour and a half just chilling on the word and music. I say all this to say ladies we have to take time for ourselves, even if we have to sneak away in a room, the car or a closet. Preserve your sanity mothers, wives and girlfriends!

Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Which Ever Way...

Which ever way the wind blows
I know you love me
Which ever way the sun shines
I know you love me
Which ever way the night comes
I know you love me
Which ever way the moon glows
I know you love me
Which ever way the stars shine
I know for sure you'll always be mine
Which ever way morning presents itself
You'll never have to worry about our love collecting dust on a shelf
I know with my whole heart that you love me

Word Play with Jamilah Renae

I've worked really hard trying to continue my journey as a writer and poet. I've had a lot of haters and a lot love along the way but I must keep going no matter what because I believe in the freedom to express yourself. I'm always looking for poets to feature and now I'm looking for comedians as well. What's a show without heart felt words and laughter?

Listen to "Word Play with Jamilah Renae" on Spreaker.

Saturday, September 28, 2019

June 23, 2019

Im going to write again and when I do it wont be what you think or feel it should be
It will be the truth
My truth
My pain
My hate
My story
It wont be sugarcoated with fake happiness
It'll definitely be infused with tears of regret and I bet you cant wait to take credit
For your part in my pain but I won't allow it because I'm the narrator of this story
And as the writer and creator of all things Yah will get the glory
The praise goes to the most high
Not you so goodbye


My feelings since October 14th, the day I found out... I still have trouble sleeping. I wonder were you in pain and was it quick. I hear you...